In close personal relationships people are expected to share all aspects of their life with each other. And yet sharing is constrained and inhibited. Haven't you heard the refrains " you're not sharing" and you're keeping secrets from me" ! In your own relationships haven't you experienced the other person holding back many experiences from you ? Haven't you held back deeply personal experiences from your best friend, spouse, lover and soulmate ? And doesn't such a holding back create stress and recriminations in hurly burly of daily life ? Don't they erect barriers in relationships?
Why do people hold back from sharing experiences, doubts, fears, worries, problems, sorrows, and expectations from even their most intimate loved ones ?
The answer is simple: fear!
- Fear of judgment: He fears that you will judge him and think less of him and in that way you will distance yourself from him. For example a gay friend of mine once held back from sharing his gay nature fearing that he would lose my friendship; he feared that I would judge him and drop him. Only when he was sure that I would not judge him and walk away from him did he share his life fully. Today, some 20 years later we are the closest of friends! And, I'm sure I can share everything with him!
- Fear of Not Being Understood: She feels that you will never understand her because your approach to life is very different. Why try to share when you are so different and insensitive that you will not even make an effort to understand a different point of view or experience ?
- Fear of Not Being Listened to: He feels that trying to share something with you is pointless. That's because you simply won't even listen. Forget agreeing with him; you won't even let him communicate what's on his mind before jumping in and dismantling not only his ideas but also his persona! He therefore believes that you don't care and you're too full of yourself. So why try to share ? In any case your ideas are what are going to carry the day and his ideas are going to be buried under a mountain of rebuttals. He has no incentive to share at all!
- Fear Of Abuse: She will never share anything with you if you have demonstrated a pattern of becoming angry and losing control of your behavior and words. Abuse and anger are very close and if nasty words flow in a torrent sparked by anger, she is never going to open up to you again. Why would she risk her self-esteem by sharing? After all, self-esteem is the most precious possession she has! She can't bear to have her self-esteem wounded by your abuse!
- Fear of Exposure: He fears that by sharing with you he's risking exposure! Very simply put, he just can't trust you to keep confidences. Perhaps you've talked to someone else about some confidential matter he once shared with you; so he's lost the confidence that you can hold secrets. He is afraid that you will leak his secrets and that will open him to ridicule and harm.
- Fear Of Boomerangs: She's mortally scared that you will use against her something sensitive, precious and important that she once shared with you. This is especially true if you continue to rub salt into her wounds and specialize in not just touching but sawing at her raw nerves! Do you keep harping on her weaknesses or her circumstances and run her down in the choicest words ? Do you make disparaging remarks on specific areas of her life, her relationships and her values ? If so, you can be sure that she will never trust you with her weakest moments because in your hands that is knowledge which you will use without compunction in a fit of anger to behead her like the Australian aborigines use boomerangs!
Sharing doesn't have much to do with your partner in the relationship. It has everything to do with you! Your words, your conduct, your patience and your breadth, depth and love as a human being are what create a conducive atmosphere for your partner to share in your relationship. If you deeply desire sharing, you simply must eliminate the fear that you have introduced into the relationship. Remove the fear by making deep and substantive internal changes in yourself and experience the miracle that your partner's sharing will create in your relationship! Why share ? Because, sharing perpetuates relationships.
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