Detaching Expectations

Assumptions eat into relationships like acid corrodes metal. Slowly, insidiously, the damage occurs, continuously, from within the sanctum sanctorum of the most sacred relationships. Assumptions fuel thoughts and thoughts create perception. Then the inevitable translation of thoughts into action results in words and behaviour. And then the explosive counter behaviour is sparked and the rest is history! Arguments, fights, harsh words, sulking, separation and hurt; these are all the toxic wastes that pepper the landscape of the most loving relationships.

Root cause of trauma

Our relationships run into stormy waters time and time again when anger and ego dominate. The root of both anger and ego is attachment. This is a pernicious malady that ruins not only love but also lives. Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita that attachment to objects, thoughts, feelings and people guarantees total destruction. Indeed it prevents the attainment of the objective of life as a human being, namely, liberation and union with the Lord. Attachment sparks possessiveness which in turn generates anger, jealousy and a host of toxic thoughts, feelings and words.

Transcending attachment

Detachment is the antidote to attachment. This sounds like indifference and disinterest. But its not! In fact its an entirely different concept altogether! Detachment means to filter out all the toxicity from the attachment; with possesiveness, anger and jealousy eliminated what remains is pristine love, sparkling and pulsating with Divinity. Detachment is to realize the Unity and Oneness with the other, indeed with all creation. 

Meaning of Detachment

The key to detachment is to understand the meaning of attachment. When I believe and say “you are mine and therefore you must live and act in the manner I want and if you dont I will be hurt, angry and abusive and will always assert my rights over you” that is attachment. So, I imprison you in my expectations! Your behavior is subject to my control and approval! That is a recipe for disaster because no one can live by the standards, codes and expectations of another. Human beings are by definition autonomous and independent. To bind a person in our expectations is to shackle him and suffocate him. Wont a person who is bound or being choked struggle to free himself ? What if we are bound and suffocated by the expectations of our loved ones ? Will that not put us under enormous pressure?

At the end of the day each of us must let go the expectations we have from others. All we can do is to love and give without expecting anything in return. That is the path to freedom from anger, stress and hurt. We can then accept what is given to us as a kind of bonus, with gratitude and humility. We can be free and unfettered because we expect nothing! So detachment is actually detachment from expectation. Only if we do that can we live and love completely. The alternative is to burn with disappointment every second of our life. The choice is ours: do we wallow in pain or do we savor the harmony, happiness, freedom and fulfillment that detachment promises?

My Journey With Sensei Kuppusamy

Sensei Kuppusamy transcended his mortal body recently to hover as  a loving, watchful presence to guide, inspire, encourage and protect us as we transit the ups and downs of  life.

Sensei Kuppusamy’s Contributions

Sensei mastered karate, qiqong, kobudo, silambam, taichi and aikido and taught thousands of students around the world; introduced serious training of karate in India in the mid-seventies. However, much more than that he created incomes, careers, lifestyles and personalities of countless people. He ensured that students became strong and independent to face the vicissitudes of life.

How Sensei Moulded Me

Sensei never pontificated! He was quiet and softest of the soft spoken. Never given to showing off his knowledge, strength or mastery. Every movement of his was a treat to watch; graceful and yet devastating! His karate was beautiful beyond compare and explosive in impact. No matter what technique he employed, the result was complete destruction of the opponent. With students he was gentle and loving ; but in the dojo he was unforgiving in his expectation of excellence. He taught me to control anger because anger destroys technique and renders training inoperable. He taught me that mastery needs practice, hundreds of hours of training and blood, sweat and tears. While training with him he taught me to jettison anger, stay in the present and fight with courage.

Lessons For Life Learnt From Sensei

1. Forbearance: When he suffered unimaginable pain from his near fatal motorbike accident in 1986 Sensei bore it with total fortitude and forbearance. Never did he complain or make a fuss. Intense pain was a constant throughout his life and yet he never lost his positive outlook. The accident shattered his ability to use his most powerful and highly developed weapons, namely his kicks. Instead of being overcome by self-pity he quietly transferred his  skills to hand techniques, aikido and taichi.
2. Forgiving: Sensei was cheated, disrespected and let down by a lot of his own students ; many of them were opportunists who learnt all they could from him and then thought they could do better by dumping him ; several set up their own schools of karate; very few paid respects to him and even fewer paid appropriate fees to him. Some of them borrowed money from him and never repaid. While he was deeply hurt by all of them Sensei forgave every one of them and was able to look kindly on the transgressions. Many of these students are yet to receive retribution for the gravest sin of hurting and humiliating and cheating the guru; they will surely reap what they have sown.
3. Positivity: Despite the pain and setbacks of every kind Sensei was always thinking of solutions and positive action. He ventured into many new fields and tried everything. One thing Sensei never tried and avoided scrupulously was being bitter. This is indeed the hallmark of an evolved being! When someone who cheated him did very well (financially) Sensei was gracious and quick to acknowledge success.
4. Continuous Learning: Sensei never let the rigidity of the style interfere with the expansion of his skill and knowledge. He learnt the characteristics of several other styles of karate and was indeed the master of masters in karate. Still, he continued to learn other martial arts and thoughtdeeply about every move, every technique and how he could teach it more effectively. He was able to assimilate the good aspects from every other style of karate and other martial arts which he would then blend into his own interpretative style. This approach imbued him with a wisdom that transcended the dojo and transformed him into a highly evolved being.
5. Perfect Guru: Sensei was the walking, talking, teaching incarnation of the Perfect Guru. His sole concern was the welfare of his student. If anyone was injured in the course of training he would immediately attend to him and bring to bear his formidable knowledge of martial arts medicine to bear on the injury. He would share complete knowledge with his students unlike the many psuedo-Senseis who withhold crucial bits of knowledge for fear of being overtaken by students. Sensei had no fear and was therefore totally secure in imparting knowledge. He was humble, caring, sensitive and strong. He was hard and yet kind and selfless. He gave his all so that the student could prosper.

Looking back at Sensei’s life and indeed my own close personal relationship with him, it is now clear to me that he was not just a martial arts master of masters; he was indeed a veritable spiritual guru. It was my great good fortune that I was able to learn from him and to be with him through his journey. My devotion to his teachings will I’m sure fortify me as I continue on the journey.