Transcending Judgment

Have you noticed how people avoid sharing their intimate secrets with you? Doesnt it bother you and indeed, hurt you, to find out that your partner or child or even best friend did not confide in you ? Having enjoyed the deepest and richest of those relationships with you they chose to keep their moments of truth away from you! Why then, you wonder in agony, did they chose to ignore you and hide those most personal of experiences from you?

The answer is not obvious. And yet it lies in that most wonderful and timeless lesson Jesus taught us aeons ago. "Judge ye not" he cautioned, and then followed up with the admonition "for who are ye to judge?" Dont be holier than thou because you come fully loaded with all the faults yourself. How can you then point the finger at someone else? Arent you taking on the position that Transactional Analysis categorizes as "I'm ok, your not ok"?. Iron out the blemishes in yourself before you chastise or blame someone else. As Gandhiji showed, demonstrate with your own personal thought, word and deed what change is all about. And even then you dont have the right to paint someone else black!

Jesus goes much further than that, of course. "Let him cast the first stone who has not sinned" he says pungently! If you are going to stone a sinner, pay heed! Have you sinned yourself, and who hasnt, by the way ? If you've committed any trespasses, be warned, says Jesus, you've forfeited the right to label anyone else a sinner. How many us can claim a record as pure as the driven snow ? You can say, "to err is human", that everyone makes mistakes and is imperfect and that being human is by definition a search for perfection. That is exactly why we cannot tar someone else for making a mistake or committing a "sin". 

A lot of the time we unconsciously put a distance from a person who looks different or subscribes to a different lifestyle or value system from us. That someone somehow looks or feels "bad" or "sinful". We take stereotypical positions about an entire race or denomination or community. And so the difference grows and misunderstandings are embellished into myths and assumptions. Walls are reinforced and communication evaporates. A lack of understanding curdles into dislike and hatred. Just because other people are different! Just because we have  passed judgement on others!

The minute we pass judgement two things happen. 


One, we somehow lower the other person in our esteem and begin to mistrust him. Our relationship with him changes forever. The same level of closeness or intimacy can never be regained. Our behaviour towards him changes subtly at first but far more noticeably in a short time. Second, the other person senses the change immediately and hurts immeasurably. Very often he'll hit back. And then he too begins to adjust his behaviour. The death knell of the relationship has well and truly been sounded!


So, why dont people share personal experiences sometimes ? The answer is a pathological fear of being judged. They dont have the confidence that you'd understand without judgment. Somehow they feel that you'll label them as "bad" and not love them anymore. That you'll think less of them. That you'll stop trusting them. That you'll put a distance with them. That they'll lose you. They simply cant take all these huge risks! So, they'll play safe and simply not confide in you.


The onus is really on you! You are the one who has not instilled in them the confidence that you'll be with them and for them no matter what. Its your behaviour and your words that have prevented from enjoying that comfort and safety of complete acceptance. The shoe is really on your foot. Its up to you to demonstrate a loving acceptance of all the vagaries or eccentricities of those close to you! You dont have to agree with all they say or do but you certainly can refrain from judging them in any way.


Isnt that better than being hurt when they dont share the most intimate aspects of their life with you ? Isnt it far more enriching to transcend judgment of others all the time ?

Leadership Results

Leadership exists for results. The two are inseparable. Like the two sides of the same coin. You cant be a leader without delivering results. Nor can you post results without being a leader. One cant exist without the other. Never create a semantic dichotomy between leadership and results!

You have been placed in a position of leadership because, bosses, peers, subordinates and all other stakeholders are convinced that you bring to the table a formidable array of capabilities. Your repertoire of knowledge, skills, attitudes and talents are expected to synergize with your character and personality. And that creative combustion will hopefully propel the organization onto a higher trajectory. 

A higher trajectory can only be attained by the booster rocket of consistent results. That translates into specific, measureable, binary, time-defined and challenging outcomes achieved by ethical means. So, all the disciplines of execution and operations are interwoven into the definition of leadership. 

Responsibility for quarterly results as well as strategic direction rests entirely on the leader. Short and long term results are the yin and yang of leadership. Unfortunately, very few people in leadership positions are able to nuance their style to deliver an effective balance between these two sometimes conflicting requirements. But those who do cross over into the pantheon of great leaders. What good is strategic direction if the quarterly cash flows run out and start cannibalizing reserves ? Similarly, what is the benefit of bulging cash reserves if the long term survivability of the organization is neither visualized nor invested in ?

Leadership is therefore all about creating results while at the same time creating the capacity to continuously deliver results!

Encouragement Magic

Everyone wants affirmation and validation. This is a need that wells up from the deepest recesses of our being. No matter what station, age or circumstance, every human being needs to feel accepted and valued. Anyone who wants to enjoy rich and rewarding relationships simply has to understand this basic truth. However this understanding has to be translated into specific behaviour. How do you do that ?

Its really quite simple! Just be an encouraging presence under all circumstances. Never say "I told you so". Instead of looking for faults, focus on strengths. People are usually painfully aware of their own shortcomings so there's no need to rub it in. In any case, are you perfect ? What gives you the right to adopt a holier than thou attitude ? Have you perfected yourself ? Before we criticize, point the finger or lay the blame let's remember that all that will simply create resentment in the other person. This is especially so when the criticism is unsolicited. And let's face it, most of the time your criticism and indeed your input or even advice is suo motu, given without being asked. 

If you are really serious about harmonizing and enriching your relationships, change your paradigm from advice and criticisim to encouragement, appreciation. Learn to ask open ended questions like " how about this ?". When you encourage a person and appreciate her effort or success no matter how small, you're actually helping that person grow to gargantuan proportions. That's because encouragement and appreciation are translated internally into affirmation and validation that nourish self-esteem and self-worth. These in turn build self confidence and courage both of which are the harbingers of results.

Encouraging creates magical change by creating a motivation to excel. A leader is always constructive and looking for ways to build people internally. That's how he can build not just skyscrapers but also successful organizations and families. So, always look for reasons to appreciate, encourage and celebrate!