Fear Prevents Sharing

In close personal relationships people are expected to share all aspects of their life with each other. And yet sharing is constrained and inhibited. Haven't you heard the refrains " you're not sharing" and you're keeping secrets from me" ! In your own relationships haven't you experienced the other person holding back many experiences from you ? Haven't you held back deeply personal experiences from your best friend, spouse, lover and soulmate ? And doesn't such a holding back create stress and recriminations in hurly burly of daily life ? Don't they erect barriers in relationships?

Why do people hold back from sharing experiences, doubts, fears, worries, problems, sorrows, and expectations from even their most intimate loved ones ?

The answer is simple: fear!

• Fear of judgment: He fears that you will judge him and think less of him and in that way you will distance yourself from him. For example a gay friend of mine once held back from sharing his gay nature fearing that he would lose my friendship; he feared that I would judge him and drop him. Only when he was sure that I would not judge him and walk away from him did he share his life fully. Today, some 20 years later we are the closest of friends! And, I'm sure I can share everything with him!
• Fear of Not Being Understood: She feels that you will never understand her because your approach to life is very different. Why try to share when you are so different and insensitive that you will not even make an effort to understand a different point of view or experience ?
• Fear of Not Being Listened to: He feels that trying to share something with you is pointless. That's because you simply won't even listen. Forget agreeing with him; you won't even let him communicate what's on his mind before jumping in and dismantling not only his ideas but also his persona! He therefore believes that you don't care and you're too full of yourself. So why try to share ? In any case your ideas are what are going to carry the day and his ideas are going to be buried under a mountain of rebuttals. He has no incentive to share at all!
• Fear Of Abuse: She will never share anything with you if you have demonstrated a pattern of becoming angry and losing control of your behavior and words. Abuse and anger are very close and if nasty words flow in a torrent sparked by anger, she is never going to open up to you again. Why would she risk her self-esteem by sharing? After all, self-esteem is the most precious possession she has! She can't bear to have her self-esteem wounded by your abuse!
• Fear of Exposure: He fears that by sharing with you he's risking exposure! Very simply put, he just can't trust you to keep confidences. Perhaps you've talked to someone else about some confidential matter he once shared with you; so he's lost the confidence that you can hold secrets. He is afraid that you will leak his secrets and that will open him to ridicule and harm. 
• Fear Of Boomerangs: She's mortally scared that you will use against her something sensitive, precious and important that she once shared with you. This is especially true if you continue to rub salt into her wounds and specialize in not just touching but sawing at her raw nerves! Do you keep harping on her weaknesses or her circumstances and run her down in the choicest words ? Do you make disparaging remarks on specific areas of her life, her relationships and her values ? If so, you can be sure that she will never trust you with her weakest moments because in your hands that is knowledge which you will use without compunction in a fit of anger to behead her like the Australian aborigines use boomerangs! 

Sharing doesn't have much to do with your partner in the relationship. It has everything to do with you! Your words, your conduct, your patience and your breadth, depth and love as a human being are what create a conducive atmosphere for your partner to share in your relationship. If you deeply desire sharing, you simply must eliminate the fear that you have introduced into the relationship. Remove the fear by making deep and substantive internal changes in yourself and experience the miracle that your partner's sharing will create in your relationship! Why share ? Because, sharing perpetuates relationships.

Success Mantra

Success Mantra

·      What does your career hold for you as it unfolds over the next 30 years ?

o   Huge opportunities for expanding your skills and knowledge

o   Experience of varied professional situations

o   Daunting challenges

o   Reward & recognition

o   Acountability & responsibility

o   Personal triumph and tragedy

·      How do you navigate this stormy sea successfully over the next 30 years?

o   First of all, build a “can do” attitude

o   Learn “possibility thinking”

o   Commit to personal learning every second

o   Reflect on every event and then assimilate the learning into your consciousness so that the next event gets the benefit of your learning from  previous events; this is called experience

o   At the same time don’t become a prisoner of the past; always look at the future not just as extension of the past but as an opportunity to create something new and valuable by traversing the tough path of personal change

o   Remember Peter Drucker’s famous words “ the best way to predict the future is to create it”

·      Here’s a success mantra for you : RILR where:

o   R stands for results; results are everything; efforts are only important insofar as they create results; mere effort means nothing

o   I stands for integrity, ethics, character and honesty; don’t deviate even a fraction from this because ruin is certain if you do; also, your reputation is your brand equity and that is entirely dependent on the big “I” of Integrity

o   L stands for learning; you know better than I do that in today’s world what is current today is obsolete tomorrow; therefore survival demands that you learn continuously; commit to reading, writing and thinking to help you deliver results consistently

o   R stands for relationships; they provide the foundation of your life, personal and professional; don’t just create superficial social media networks; instead, invest in deep and meaningful relationships that provide support, encouragement and feedback for you throughout your life; but remember, relationships need investment of your time, care and love; in other words, relationships are all about giving, not taking; when you give, you receive multiple times what you gave

Detaching Expectations

Assumptions eat into relationships like acid corrodes metal. Slowly, insidiously, the damage occurs, continuously, from within the sanctum sanctorum of the most sacred relationships. Assumptions fuel thoughts and thoughts create perception. Then the inevitable translation of thoughts into action results in words and behaviour. And then the explosive counter behaviour is sparked and the rest is history! Arguments, fights, harsh words, sulking, separation and hurt; these are all the toxic wastes that pepper the landscape of the most loving relationships.

Root cause of trauma

Our relationships run into stormy waters time and time again when anger and ego dominate. The root of both anger and ego is attachment. This is a pernicious malady that ruins not only love but also lives. Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita that attachment to objects, thoughts, feelings and people guarantees total destruction. Indeed it prevents the attainment of the objective of life as a human being, namely, liberation and union with the Lord. Attachment sparks possessiveness which in turn generates anger, jealousy and a host of toxic thoughts, feelings and words.

Transcending attachment

Detachment is the antidote to attachment. This sounds like indifference and disinterest. But its not! In fact its an entirely different concept altogether! Detachment means to filter out all the toxicity from the attachment; with possesiveness, anger and jealousy eliminated what remains is pristine love, sparkling and pulsating with Divinity. Detachment is to realize the Unity and Oneness with the other, indeed with all creation. 

Meaning of Detachment

The key to detachment is to understand the meaning of attachment. When I believe and say “you are mine and therefore you must live and act in the manner I want and if you dont I will be hurt, angry and abusive and will always assert my rights over you” that is attachment. So, I imprison you in my expectations! Your behavior is subject to my control and approval! That is a recipe for disaster because no one can live by the standards, codes and expectations of another. Human beings are by definition autonomous and independent. To bind a person in our expectations is to shackle him and suffocate him. Wont a person who is bound or being choked struggle to free himself ? What if we are bound and suffocated by the expectations of our loved ones ? Will that not put us under enormous pressure?

At the end of the day each of us must let go the expectations we have from others. All we can do is to love and give without expecting anything in return. That is the path to freedom from anger, stress and hurt. We can then accept what is given to us as a kind of bonus, with gratitude and humility. We can be free and unfettered because we expect nothing! So detachment is actually detachment from expectation. Only if we do that can we live and love completely. The alternative is to burn with disappointment every second of our life. The choice is ours: do we wallow in pain or do we savor the harmony, happiness, freedom and fulfillment that detachment promises?

My Journey With Sensei Kuppusamy

Sensei Kuppusamy transcended his mortal body recently to hover as  a loving, watchful presence to guide, inspire, encourage and protect us as we transit the ups and downs of  life.

Sensei Kuppusamy’s Contributions

Sensei mastered karate, qiqong, kobudo, silambam, taichi and aikido and taught thousands of students around the world; introduced serious training of karate in India in the mid-seventies. However, much more than that he created incomes, careers, lifestyles and personalities of countless people. He ensured that students became strong and independent to face the vicissitudes of life.

How Sensei Moulded Me

Sensei never pontificated! He was quiet and softest of the soft spoken. Never given to showing off his knowledge, strength or mastery. Every movement of his was a treat to watch; graceful and yet devastating! His karate was beautiful beyond compare and explosive in impact. No matter what technique he employed, the result was complete destruction of the opponent. With students he was gentle and loving ; but in the dojo he was unforgiving in his expectation of excellence. He taught me to control anger because anger destroys technique and renders training inoperable. He taught me that mastery needs practice, hundreds of hours of training and blood, sweat and tears. While training with him he taught me to jettison anger, stay in the present and fight with courage.

Lessons For Life Learnt From Sensei

1. Forbearance: When he suffered unimaginable pain from his near fatal motorbike accident in 1986 Sensei bore it with total fortitude and forbearance. Never did he complain or make a fuss. Intense pain was a constant throughout his life and yet he never lost his positive outlook. The accident shattered his ability to use his most powerful and highly developed weapons, namely his kicks. Instead of being overcome by self-pity he quietly transferred his  skills to hand techniques, aikido and taichi.
2. Forgiving: Sensei was cheated, disrespected and let down by a lot of his own students ; many of them were opportunists who learnt all they could from him and then thought they could do better by dumping him ; several set up their own schools of karate; very few paid respects to him and even fewer paid appropriate fees to him. Some of them borrowed money from him and never repaid. While he was deeply hurt by all of them Sensei forgave every one of them and was able to look kindly on the transgressions. Many of these students are yet to receive retribution for the gravest sin of hurting and humiliating and cheating the guru; they will surely reap what they have sown.
3. Positivity: Despite the pain and setbacks of every kind Sensei was always thinking of solutions and positive action. He ventured into many new fields and tried everything. One thing Sensei never tried and avoided scrupulously was being bitter. This is indeed the hallmark of an evolved being! When someone who cheated him did very well (financially) Sensei was gracious and quick to acknowledge success.
4. Continuous Learning: Sensei never let the rigidity of the style interfere with the expansion of his skill and knowledge. He learnt the characteristics of several other styles of karate and was indeed the master of masters in karate. Still, he continued to learn other martial arts and thoughtdeeply about every move, every technique and how he could teach it more effectively. He was able to assimilate the good aspects from every other style of karate and other martial arts which he would then blend into his own interpretative style. This approach imbued him with a wisdom that transcended the dojo and transformed him into a highly evolved being.
5. Perfect Guru: Sensei was the walking, talking, teaching incarnation of the Perfect Guru. His sole concern was the welfare of his student. If anyone was injured in the course of training he would immediately attend to him and bring to bear his formidable knowledge of martial arts medicine to bear on the injury. He would share complete knowledge with his students unlike the many psuedo-Senseis who withhold crucial bits of knowledge for fear of being overtaken by students. Sensei had no fear and was therefore totally secure in imparting knowledge. He was humble, caring, sensitive and strong. He was hard and yet kind and selfless. He gave his all so that the student could prosper.

Looking back at Sensei’s life and indeed my own close personal relationship with him, it is now clear to me that he was not just a martial arts master of masters; he was indeed a veritable spiritual guru. It was my great good fortune that I was able to learn from him and to be with him through his journey. My devotion to his teachings will I’m sure fortify me as I continue on the journey.

Beyond Proof

Have you noticed how you have to prove yourself every moment ?

• ·      You’ve got to prove to yourself that you are good-looking so you pose in front of the mirror
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are intelligent and well-informed so you inject your views and opinions into the midst of every conversation
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are right so you thump the desk and stomp on feelings
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re worthy of attention so you throw tantrums
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are big and powerful so you throw your weight around
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you deserve love so you let your volcanic emotions spew out red-hot emotions
• ·      You’ve got to prove your integrity so you’ve got to keep records and release them online
• ·      You’ve got to prove that there’s nothing to hide so you bare your soul
• ·      You’ve got to prove that your competence is world-class so you trot out the testimonials and data
• ·      You’ve got to prove remorse so you’ve got to commit seppuku
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are a gentleman so you come last
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you have no vested interest so you forego reward
• ·      You’ve got to prove that your intentions are pure so you plead your case
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re innocent so you fight the battle
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not guilty so you take the beating
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not a coward so you don’t run away
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not someone else
•  

Living is proof! Because the temporal world will never tire of demanding proof. Transcending the need to prove is spiritual progress. Going deep within to that level of eternal unity and security where nothing affects you. No turbulence, no upheaval, no threat, no fear. Realizing that you are not the body, not the mind, not the past , not the future, not the ego but the Supreme Reality that is ever Present. Accepting that your mistakes and errors and follies are all milestones on the journey to the Self and therefore mandatory. Not for the weak since the path is steep and paved with searing emotion. Chanting the holy name is the staff that you hold firmly and lean on while going beyond the need and demand to prove. And that is life, not just living. Then and then only can you love and be loved.

Multitasking Myth

In today's hi-speed world more and more is squeezed into the 24 constant hours in a day. Therefore, everyone is perennially short of time. Consequently, many activities run concurrently. People are processing multiple tasks simultaneously. They assume that doing several things at the same time is the best and only way to succeed. Just like microprocessors perform myriads of computations per second! But there the analogy breaks down. People are vastly different from computers even though many human beings have now morphed into near robotic zombies!

Is multitasking inevitable or desirable ? The answer is a firm no on both counts! Surprised or indignant ? Stop for a moment and think about what I'm about to say!

Completing a task and meeting a deadline is not important. What is important is completing a task as per specifications, without errors, with total accuracy as per deadline, with excellence. That is a huge difference. Knocking things together just to meet a deadline contains the seeds of failure within it. That's because the hurried, stressed-out performance of a task  automatically reduces attention to detail and therefore guarantees errors. Hurry and stress, as is well known, extract a fearsome toll in terms of damage to health and relationships. Errors force you to incur  huge costs for correction which in turn lead to time overruns. Add to that the loss of reputation and credibiity and the costs are truly mindboggling. Success can never accompany such astronomical costs.

Multitasking sets you up for failure. This sounds counterintuitive and contrary to conventional wisdom. But reflect a moment and you'll see what I'm getting at. If you slow down and do one thing at a time your focus and concentration on what you're doing will climb exponentially. When that happens, you'll begin delivering error-free output first time right (which incidentally is what total quality is all about). Complete one task fully and then move to the next. Close one issue and then take up the next. That way you'll be able to devote your undivided attention to the task at hand. The quality of your work is then bound to increase. While the time per activity may be marginally higher, accuracy and quality will be exponentially better. Since you wont spend any time going back and fixing errors, your projects will take the same or less time. Your 24 hours will become far more productive and effective.

So if you do one thing at a time how do you handle zillions of tasks that have to be completed as per deadline? 

This is where your discrimination and planning come into play. Learn to differentiate between what is urgent and what is important; the two are rarely the same. Very often, much more often than we care to admit, procrastination and complacency combine insidiously and make us neglect that which is important. That's because the really important priorities rarely make a hue and cry and clamour for our attention. So we conveniently neglect them until the eleventh hour. Then panic sets in! Important has now become a life-threatening urgent, emergency! 

If you are constantly lurching from one urgent-emergency to another its a sure sign that you are neither discriminating between what is important and urgent nor are you planning and preparing adequately. Because you are under such extreme time pressure your concentration is all but absent. Since you are constantly worrying about the outcome you are taking your eyes off the ball and so your work is always shoddy.

How do you make a difference to your work style ?

First, understand what is truly important and what is urgent. Pour your attention on the important stuff. To understand this, take an example and look at your relationships. Strengthening your relationships is clearly important. That means lavishing time and attention on people you care about. If you dont do that nobody is likely to complain vociferously or violently (at least not most of the time). But after a while, your loved ones will move away or become cold to you. Then it becomes a crisis and the relationship is on the verge of breakdown; mending it becomes an urgent necessity. The important has now grown fangs and is about to go for your jugular in the garb of an urgent Dracula! The fact of the matter is that your neglect converted the important saint into an urgent vampire. Who is responsible ? I must of course hasten to add that an emergency like an accident or sudden illness or death (God forbid) is outside the scope of what I've just said. You do need to drop everything and respond to those emergencies. Bit its applicable to all else.

Second, allocate higher priority to the important items on your list. The most important items deserve the highest priority.

Third, allot a greater amount of time for the important items.  Start early. Wake up earlier, drop aimless wandering and spend time preparing for your assignments. Give adequate time for yourself to complete the project with excellence. 

Fourth, plan as far ahead as you can.  However, keep some empty spaces in your schedule because unforseen events are bound to occur. That way you'll be able to respond to some crisis or emergency as it arises. Think of all possibilities when you plan your schedule.

Fifth, learn to say no when you are overloaded already. Dont take on an ever increasing load just because you want to please everyone. If you do that you wont do justice to your responsibilities and you are bound to fail or even suffer breakdowns of various kinds (health, relationships, financial, emotional); your own life, reputation and well being are at stake. And let's face it, nobody really cares about any of that except you! If you turn in poor quality because you are overloaded, no one is going to give you any margins any way.

And finally, think and re-think your priorities constantly. To do that you've got to set your direction. What's really important to you ? Where do you want to be ten years from now ? These are the questions that you need to stop and ponder over often. That's when your priorities become clearer.

When you learn to think clearly through these steps you'll automatically slow down and do one thing at a time with excellence. Of course this takes practice and dedication. Then, multitasking, fragmented attention, stress and lack of concentration will all decline significantly. That's when success bestows her luscious fruits on you!

Transcending Judgment

Have you noticed how people avoid sharing their intimate secrets with you? Doesnt it bother you and indeed, hurt you, to find out that your partner or child or even best friend did not confide in you ? Having enjoyed the deepest and richest of those relationships with you they chose to keep their moments of truth away from you! Why then, you wonder in agony, did they chose to ignore you and hide those most personal of experiences from you?

The answer is not obvious. And yet it lies in that most wonderful and timeless lesson Jesus taught us aeons ago. "Judge ye not" he cautioned, and then followed up with the admonition "for who are ye to judge?" Dont be holier than thou because you come fully loaded with all the faults yourself. How can you then point the finger at someone else? Arent you taking on the position that Transactional Analysis categorizes as "I'm ok, your not ok"?. Iron out the blemishes in yourself before you chastise or blame someone else. As Gandhiji showed, demonstrate with your own personal thought, word and deed what change is all about. And even then you dont have the right to paint someone else black!

Jesus goes much further than that, of course. "Let him cast the first stone who has not sinned" he says pungently! If you are going to stone a sinner, pay heed! Have you sinned yourself, and who hasnt, by the way ? If you've committed any trespasses, be warned, says Jesus, you've forfeited the right to label anyone else a sinner. How many us can claim a record as pure as the driven snow ? You can say, "to err is human", that everyone makes mistakes and is imperfect and that being human is by definition a search for perfection. That is exactly why we cannot tar someone else for making a mistake or committing a "sin". 

A lot of the time we unconsciously put a distance from a person who looks different or subscribes to a different lifestyle or value system from us. That someone somehow looks or feels "bad" or "sinful". We take stereotypical positions about an entire race or denomination or community. And so the difference grows and misunderstandings are embellished into myths and assumptions. Walls are reinforced and communication evaporates. A lack of understanding curdles into dislike and hatred. Just because other people are different! Just because we have  passed judgement on others!

The minute we pass judgement two things happen. 


One, we somehow lower the other person in our esteem and begin to mistrust him. Our relationship with him changes forever. The same level of closeness or intimacy can never be regained. Our behaviour towards him changes subtly at first but far more noticeably in a short time. Second, the other person senses the change immediately and hurts immeasurably. Very often he'll hit back. And then he too begins to adjust his behaviour. The death knell of the relationship has well and truly been sounded!


So, why dont people share personal experiences sometimes ? The answer is a pathological fear of being judged. They dont have the confidence that you'd understand without judgment. Somehow they feel that you'll label them as "bad" and not love them anymore. That you'll think less of them. That you'll stop trusting them. That you'll put a distance with them. That they'll lose you. They simply cant take all these huge risks! So, they'll play safe and simply not confide in you.


The onus is really on you! You are the one who has not instilled in them the confidence that you'll be with them and for them no matter what. Its your behaviour and your words that have prevented from enjoying that comfort and safety of complete acceptance. The shoe is really on your foot. Its up to you to demonstrate a loving acceptance of all the vagaries or eccentricities of those close to you! You dont have to agree with all they say or do but you certainly can refrain from judging them in any way.


Isnt that better than being hurt when they dont share the most intimate aspects of their life with you ? Isnt it far more enriching to transcend judgment of others all the time ?