Fearless Leaders

Be prepared to be questioned on your actions and worse, your intentions. Being a leader means being different. But while they profess to respect you and love you for being different that is exactly why they are also going to beat you mercilessly. Where you have no agenda other than the general good you will be accused of furthering a vested interest. Where your intentions are entirely honourable dark aspersions will be cast on your motives. Assumptions will be made about you and perceptions will quietly be constructed. Then they will box you into a category and deal with you like something the cat dragged in. So you see, leadership is a very lonely business. With no one who can quite understand you or your actions. All your actions will be held up against the personal interest of those who are affected and then, even if there is a semblance of a conflict you will be condemned as being selfish or uncaring. So be warned, build your internal capacity to withstand pain. Conquer the need to be accepted and loved! Learn to be fearless by realizing that death is inevitable. No matter what you achieve, what influence and money you have, you will still, surely, die. So, why should you be afraid of anything or anyone ? Leaders walk a lonely path and are never afraid of standing up and being counted for their principles! Fame and wealth are fickle, principles are everything...that's the DNA of a leader!

Winged Dreams

As a little boy Shyamal dreamed of flying those magnificent flying machines that take to the skies so gracefully! He would imagine sitting in the cockpit and charting a safe course over land and sea not just for himself but for many others. As he grew up life threw up many challenges not least being disdain from teachers who never understood him. While his father loved Shyamal dearly he harbored a strong desire for him to join the family business.

Throughout his childhood and well into his eventful adolescence Shyamal kept his dream alive. Every time academic pressures threatened to overwhelm him he would retreat into a private world in which he vusialized flying aircraft of all kinds. The boring accountancy classes were the perfect runway from which his fertile imagination took off! Since his heart was in the cockpit and not in the ledger books he neither did well in his BCom exams nor did he succumb to familial pressure to join the well-established business.

The family held intense discussions with Shyamal about his career. Through it all his mother was a refuge of unconditional love and encouragement. As a friend and mentor to the family for over 25 years I was naturally concerned about the imbroglio. At one particular meeting I could see the tension eating into the vitals of the family. But I could also see the passion for flying that was consuming Shyamal.

Having observed him for years while he was growing up I also knew that Shyamal’s motor skills, hand-eye coordination, powers of observation and ability to act decisively made him a natural as a flyer. I also realized that he nurtured a mortal fear of being grounded, in a chair, behind a desk. That was a recipe for disaster!

Shyamal was destined to fly! I was convinced that if he pursued a career in flying Shyamal would metamorphose from an unhappy, brash young man with a devil-may-care attitude into a responsible, mature, super-dependable, balanced, happy and successful professional. I was convinced that this young man was born to fly! Fortunately, that was exactly what I was able to encourage the family to realize too. And so, Shyamal spread his wings!

The transformation was not only amazing; it was as dramatic as it was unbelievable! And, awe-inspiring! Within 2 years, a young man who was academically disinterested during his school and college years studied, mastered and passed literally with flying colours every exam that he needed to take in maths, physics, chemistry, principles of flight, navigation and what have you! From rookie to qualified commercial pilot in 24 months!

While he was at the Baroda Flying Club I ran into Shyamal at the Baroda Airport; that was when I shared my dream with him. I said to him, “ Shyamal, one day, soon, you will fly a state-of-art Boeing 737 as Commander and I will be onboard as a proud passenger.” On 25^th July 2012 that dream was fulfilled when I flew Jetairways 9W 2103 from Mumbai to Kochi with Captain Shyamal Asher in command. I’ll never be happier or prouder during a flight! 

It just proves that if we keep our dreams alive with focus, determination, perseverance and fearlessness the dream is bound to become reality!

Thank you Capt Shyamal Asher for inspiring me!

Fear Prevents Sharing

In close personal relationships people are expected to share all aspects of their life with each other. And yet sharing is constrained and inhibited. Haven't you heard the refrains " you're not sharing" and you're keeping secrets from me" ! In your own relationships haven't you experienced the other person holding back many experiences from you ? Haven't you held back deeply personal experiences from your best friend, spouse, lover and soulmate ? And doesn't such a holding back create stress and recriminations in hurly burly of daily life ? Don't they erect barriers in relationships?

Why do people hold back from sharing experiences, doubts, fears, worries, problems, sorrows, and expectations from even their most intimate loved ones ?

The answer is simple: fear!

• Fear of judgment: He fears that you will judge him and think less of him and in that way you will distance yourself from him. For example a gay friend of mine once held back from sharing his gay nature fearing that he would lose my friendship; he feared that I would judge him and drop him. Only when he was sure that I would not judge him and walk away from him did he share his life fully. Today, some 20 years later we are the closest of friends! And, I'm sure I can share everything with him!
• Fear of Not Being Understood: She feels that you will never understand her because your approach to life is very different. Why try to share when you are so different and insensitive that you will not even make an effort to understand a different point of view or experience ?
• Fear of Not Being Listened to: He feels that trying to share something with you is pointless. That's because you simply won't even listen. Forget agreeing with him; you won't even let him communicate what's on his mind before jumping in and dismantling not only his ideas but also his persona! He therefore believes that you don't care and you're too full of yourself. So why try to share ? In any case your ideas are what are going to carry the day and his ideas are going to be buried under a mountain of rebuttals. He has no incentive to share at all!
• Fear Of Abuse: She will never share anything with you if you have demonstrated a pattern of becoming angry and losing control of your behavior and words. Abuse and anger are very close and if nasty words flow in a torrent sparked by anger, she is never going to open up to you again. Why would she risk her self-esteem by sharing? After all, self-esteem is the most precious possession she has! She can't bear to have her self-esteem wounded by your abuse!
• Fear of Exposure: He fears that by sharing with you he's risking exposure! Very simply put, he just can't trust you to keep confidences. Perhaps you've talked to someone else about some confidential matter he once shared with you; so he's lost the confidence that you can hold secrets. He is afraid that you will leak his secrets and that will open him to ridicule and harm. 
• Fear Of Boomerangs: She's mortally scared that you will use against her something sensitive, precious and important that she once shared with you. This is especially true if you continue to rub salt into her wounds and specialize in not just touching but sawing at her raw nerves! Do you keep harping on her weaknesses or her circumstances and run her down in the choicest words ? Do you make disparaging remarks on specific areas of her life, her relationships and her values ? If so, you can be sure that she will never trust you with her weakest moments because in your hands that is knowledge which you will use without compunction in a fit of anger to behead her like the Australian aborigines use boomerangs! 

Sharing doesn't have much to do with your partner in the relationship. It has everything to do with you! Your words, your conduct, your patience and your breadth, depth and love as a human being are what create a conducive atmosphere for your partner to share in your relationship. If you deeply desire sharing, you simply must eliminate the fear that you have introduced into the relationship. Remove the fear by making deep and substantive internal changes in yourself and experience the miracle that your partner's sharing will create in your relationship! Why share ? Because, sharing perpetuates relationships.

Success Mantra

Success Mantra

·      What does your career hold for you as it unfolds over the next 30 years ?

o   Huge opportunities for expanding your skills and knowledge

o   Experience of varied professional situations

o   Daunting challenges

o   Reward & recognition

o   Acountability & responsibility

o   Personal triumph and tragedy

·      How do you navigate this stormy sea successfully over the next 30 years?

o   First of all, build a “can do” attitude

o   Learn “possibility thinking”

o   Commit to personal learning every second

o   Reflect on every event and then assimilate the learning into your consciousness so that the next event gets the benefit of your learning from  previous events; this is called experience

o   At the same time don’t become a prisoner of the past; always look at the future not just as extension of the past but as an opportunity to create something new and valuable by traversing the tough path of personal change

o   Remember Peter Drucker’s famous words “ the best way to predict the future is to create it”

·      Here’s a success mantra for you : RILR where:

o   R stands for results; results are everything; efforts are only important insofar as they create results; mere effort means nothing

o   I stands for integrity, ethics, character and honesty; don’t deviate even a fraction from this because ruin is certain if you do; also, your reputation is your brand equity and that is entirely dependent on the big “I” of Integrity

o   L stands for learning; you know better than I do that in today’s world what is current today is obsolete tomorrow; therefore survival demands that you learn continuously; commit to reading, writing and thinking to help you deliver results consistently

o   R stands for relationships; they provide the foundation of your life, personal and professional; don’t just create superficial social media networks; instead, invest in deep and meaningful relationships that provide support, encouragement and feedback for you throughout your life; but remember, relationships need investment of your time, care and love; in other words, relationships are all about giving, not taking; when you give, you receive multiple times what you gave

Detaching Expectations

Assumptions eat into relationships like acid corrodes metal. Slowly, insidiously, the damage occurs, continuously, from within the sanctum sanctorum of the most sacred relationships. Assumptions fuel thoughts and thoughts create perception. Then the inevitable translation of thoughts into action results in words and behaviour. And then the explosive counter behaviour is sparked and the rest is history! Arguments, fights, harsh words, sulking, separation and hurt; these are all the toxic wastes that pepper the landscape of the most loving relationships.

Root cause of trauma

Our relationships run into stormy waters time and time again when anger and ego dominate. The root of both anger and ego is attachment. This is a pernicious malady that ruins not only love but also lives. Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita that attachment to objects, thoughts, feelings and people guarantees total destruction. Indeed it prevents the attainment of the objective of life as a human being, namely, liberation and union with the Lord. Attachment sparks possessiveness which in turn generates anger, jealousy and a host of toxic thoughts, feelings and words.

Transcending attachment

Detachment is the antidote to attachment. This sounds like indifference and disinterest. But its not! In fact its an entirely different concept altogether! Detachment means to filter out all the toxicity from the attachment; with possesiveness, anger and jealousy eliminated what remains is pristine love, sparkling and pulsating with Divinity. Detachment is to realize the Unity and Oneness with the other, indeed with all creation. 

Meaning of Detachment

The key to detachment is to understand the meaning of attachment. When I believe and say “you are mine and therefore you must live and act in the manner I want and if you dont I will be hurt, angry and abusive and will always assert my rights over you” that is attachment. So, I imprison you in my expectations! Your behavior is subject to my control and approval! That is a recipe for disaster because no one can live by the standards, codes and expectations of another. Human beings are by definition autonomous and independent. To bind a person in our expectations is to shackle him and suffocate him. Wont a person who is bound or being choked struggle to free himself ? What if we are bound and suffocated by the expectations of our loved ones ? Will that not put us under enormous pressure?

At the end of the day each of us must let go the expectations we have from others. All we can do is to love and give without expecting anything in return. That is the path to freedom from anger, stress and hurt. We can then accept what is given to us as a kind of bonus, with gratitude and humility. We can be free and unfettered because we expect nothing! So detachment is actually detachment from expectation. Only if we do that can we live and love completely. The alternative is to burn with disappointment every second of our life. The choice is ours: do we wallow in pain or do we savor the harmony, happiness, freedom and fulfillment that detachment promises?

My Journey With Sensei Kuppusamy

Sensei Kuppusamy transcended his mortal body recently to hover as  a loving, watchful presence to guide, inspire, encourage and protect us as we transit the ups and downs of  life.

Sensei Kuppusamy’s Contributions

Sensei mastered karate, qiqong, kobudo, silambam, taichi and aikido and taught thousands of students around the world; introduced serious training of karate in India in the mid-seventies. However, much more than that he created incomes, careers, lifestyles and personalities of countless people. He ensured that students became strong and independent to face the vicissitudes of life.

How Sensei Moulded Me

Sensei never pontificated! He was quiet and softest of the soft spoken. Never given to showing off his knowledge, strength or mastery. Every movement of his was a treat to watch; graceful and yet devastating! His karate was beautiful beyond compare and explosive in impact. No matter what technique he employed, the result was complete destruction of the opponent. With students he was gentle and loving ; but in the dojo he was unforgiving in his expectation of excellence. He taught me to control anger because anger destroys technique and renders training inoperable. He taught me that mastery needs practice, hundreds of hours of training and blood, sweat and tears. While training with him he taught me to jettison anger, stay in the present and fight with courage.

Lessons For Life Learnt From Sensei

1. Forbearance: When he suffered unimaginable pain from his near fatal motorbike accident in 1986 Sensei bore it with total fortitude and forbearance. Never did he complain or make a fuss. Intense pain was a constant throughout his life and yet he never lost his positive outlook. The accident shattered his ability to use his most powerful and highly developed weapons, namely his kicks. Instead of being overcome by self-pity he quietly transferred his  skills to hand techniques, aikido and taichi.
2. Forgiving: Sensei was cheated, disrespected and let down by a lot of his own students ; many of them were opportunists who learnt all they could from him and then thought they could do better by dumping him ; several set up their own schools of karate; very few paid respects to him and even fewer paid appropriate fees to him. Some of them borrowed money from him and never repaid. While he was deeply hurt by all of them Sensei forgave every one of them and was able to look kindly on the transgressions. Many of these students are yet to receive retribution for the gravest sin of hurting and humiliating and cheating the guru; they will surely reap what they have sown.
3. Positivity: Despite the pain and setbacks of every kind Sensei was always thinking of solutions and positive action. He ventured into many new fields and tried everything. One thing Sensei never tried and avoided scrupulously was being bitter. This is indeed the hallmark of an evolved being! When someone who cheated him did very well (financially) Sensei was gracious and quick to acknowledge success.
4. Continuous Learning: Sensei never let the rigidity of the style interfere with the expansion of his skill and knowledge. He learnt the characteristics of several other styles of karate and was indeed the master of masters in karate. Still, he continued to learn other martial arts and thoughtdeeply about every move, every technique and how he could teach it more effectively. He was able to assimilate the good aspects from every other style of karate and other martial arts which he would then blend into his own interpretative style. This approach imbued him with a wisdom that transcended the dojo and transformed him into a highly evolved being.
5. Perfect Guru: Sensei was the walking, talking, teaching incarnation of the Perfect Guru. His sole concern was the welfare of his student. If anyone was injured in the course of training he would immediately attend to him and bring to bear his formidable knowledge of martial arts medicine to bear on the injury. He would share complete knowledge with his students unlike the many psuedo-Senseis who withhold crucial bits of knowledge for fear of being overtaken by students. Sensei had no fear and was therefore totally secure in imparting knowledge. He was humble, caring, sensitive and strong. He was hard and yet kind and selfless. He gave his all so that the student could prosper.

Looking back at Sensei’s life and indeed my own close personal relationship with him, it is now clear to me that he was not just a martial arts master of masters; he was indeed a veritable spiritual guru. It was my great good fortune that I was able to learn from him and to be with him through his journey. My devotion to his teachings will I’m sure fortify me as I continue on the journey.

Beyond Proof

Have you noticed how you have to prove yourself every moment ?

• ·      You’ve got to prove to yourself that you are good-looking so you pose in front of the mirror
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are intelligent and well-informed so you inject your views and opinions into the midst of every conversation
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are right so you thump the desk and stomp on feelings
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re worthy of attention so you throw tantrums
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are big and powerful so you throw your weight around
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you deserve love so you let your volcanic emotions spew out red-hot emotions
• ·      You’ve got to prove your integrity so you’ve got to keep records and release them online
• ·      You’ve got to prove that there’s nothing to hide so you bare your soul
• ·      You’ve got to prove that your competence is world-class so you trot out the testimonials and data
• ·      You’ve got to prove remorse so you’ve got to commit seppuku
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you are a gentleman so you come last
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you have no vested interest so you forego reward
• ·      You’ve got to prove that your intentions are pure so you plead your case
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re innocent so you fight the battle
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not guilty so you take the beating
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not a coward so you don’t run away
• ·      You’ve got to prove that you’re not someone else
•  

Living is proof! Because the temporal world will never tire of demanding proof. Transcending the need to prove is spiritual progress. Going deep within to that level of eternal unity and security where nothing affects you. No turbulence, no upheaval, no threat, no fear. Realizing that you are not the body, not the mind, not the past , not the future, not the ego but the Supreme Reality that is ever Present. Accepting that your mistakes and errors and follies are all milestones on the journey to the Self and therefore mandatory. Not for the weak since the path is steep and paved with searing emotion. Chanting the holy name is the staff that you hold firmly and lean on while going beyond the need and demand to prove. And that is life, not just living. Then and then only can you love and be loved.